This is good I like this one!! giggles


Dear Friends:

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

Or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one past-time while driving alone is picking your nose, although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse fo r fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that w ill change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers. Besides, their Hot Wings have shrunk from 4" down to 3" - but I still pay the same (if not more)!

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes - which every moron willingly sends in hopes of this "pipe-dream!".

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive pack ages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

The moral of the story:

If you don't send this page to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon, and the fleas from 1000 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician....

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
hand on the mouse.

...don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.