April 30th:
Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a
state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy
evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a
blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an
air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.

June 5th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE
SHOVELING SNOW EITHER!
 Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 1st:
The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where
are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to
it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to
remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of
those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always
wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)
Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the
size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all
over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th:
Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the
fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he
needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a
hurricane.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the
swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house
payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th:
100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost
as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off
the road. I hate this state.

Aug 8th:
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
tear his head off. Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a roasted
cat!!

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny.
It's been too hot for two #@*& months and the Weatherman says it might
really warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it
maybe hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from
heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this Godforsaken place??

Aug 14th:
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to
fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the
$1,500 house payment to bail me out jail.

Aug 30th:
Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains
finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove
the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly! The
Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500
windshield.

That does it, we're moving back to New Jersey where all you
have to worry about is getting mugged.

I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.
 

I Told a LIE