Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?

 Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

 Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.

 Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

 Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

 All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.

 If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

 When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

 He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?

 So don't take any bets,

It's as good as it gets,

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
 
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building. is