Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
'"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said,
"Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to
find my hearing aid."
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the
papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow,
"I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a
great lover rather than the big --it he always was."
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave
came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days
and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore
with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found
something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax
from the boat. It read:
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of
the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was
an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 .. . please advise."
The old man faxed back:
"Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the
casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that
the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then
dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall
bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket
towards the door, the husband cries out,
"Watch that wall!"
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
"I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit
and freshly ground coffee."
"Well, then why are you crying?"
"He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and
then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
"Well, why are you crying?"
"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite
dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
"Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
"I can't remember where I live!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know?"